No Hiding

There is no hiding from yourself or your partner when you downsize life to a few suitcases. It’s all in plain sight. For quickly into downsizing, one discovers we are all ‘tricky’ by nature. We seek hiding places. Maybe it was a private space in your home, perhaps in your car, at your favorite hangouts with familiar faces or even with your pets. Take all that away, plop yourself thousands of miles away from all that you knew and here you are. Unsettled as intended. Thrilled yet vulnerable. Exposed. On the cusp of transformation.

I’ve felt these sensations before. Years ago, we belonged to a Congregational Church in Boulder, CO. Part of the church offerings were spiritual retreats. These retreats were often divided into ‘Women’s or Men’s Retreats.’ About 50ish members and staff would head off into the mountains of Colorado to Camp Saint Malo to disconnect from life and try to open ourselves to More.

The beds were small and hard. We had roommates. The towels and linens were threadbare. The food was simply and ‘just ok’. The retreats began before 7am. All day and evening a variety of activities were organized to explore inner feelings. We didn’t sleep well. We were off our ‘regular’ schedules. We all quickly became exhausted. We were intentionally pushed off our personal centers, thus making each of us vulnerable to transformation.

All the ‘problems’ or ‘hurt places’ each of us was hoping to ‘retreat from’ came up in roaring fashion. Your deepest hurts somehow were laid bare by the sky, the powerful landscape, the unfamiliar beds, the ‘meh’ food options, the conversations, the quiet and most assuredly, the lack of privacy. Suddenly you were in the lions’ den of your own making. Teary with buried emotions that leaked out despite your best intentions to keep them hidden. You were revealed. You were fully, rawly present. Vulnerable to transformation.

And here we are again. In the crucible of our own making. Strangers in a strange land. Familiar old, comfort habits can not be indulged to distract. No favorite spaces to hide in. We are painfully, acutely aware our ‘problems, issues’ can not stay hidden in the open. They sit in the middle of the floor, aching to be resolved again – finally. Without distractions. Without interference of family and friends, there is no hiding place from ourselves.

Transformation has begun.